Finally free!

Alas! I had gained my emotional independence. I was finally free from emotional baggage, unhealthy relationships and uncertainty. I was indeed a lot happier.But I couldn’t help wondering if I would end up alone, if I would find someone to love me the way I wanted to be loved.

The problem was never finding someone to love me. It was finding the kind of love I wanted.

As my thoughts centered about finding someone to love me and the lack thereof, I became afraid.

But I didn’t want to give up my new found freedom, my new happy and then compromise just because I wanted a partner or to ‘find love’

I am beginning to embrace the idea of aloneness, of not having that special one.

As I take the idea, play with it and debunk all the myths associated with being a single ‘female’

I sleep better and I worry less about finding love.

These days I am unapologetic, I don’t care about the male fragile ego.

• It took me about two years and a half to get here, and I wouldn’t give that up for anything in this world.

I am no longer wary about not finding the one, my current fear is that I’ll love my aloneness so much, that even when love comes knocking on my door, I wouldn’t let it in and I feel no remorse. 

Stay clear!!!

You thought you could handle my weird and my queer,Even when I told you to stay clear,

You told me your love was nothing to fear,

Even though I knew mine was not the kind I could share,

But I wouldnt dare……

To waste your love like cheap beer,

So instead of playing mama bear,

And protecting you from my queer,

I made you my pair because of the pressure from my peers.

Even at the warning of your peers,

Telling you to run from me as fast as a hare… cause I was going to pierce through your heart like a spear. 

I was indeed a scare,

Boy! Were they right, as I stare,

Into your eyes, I see pain that even I can’t bear,

And all I can think of, is that it isn’t fair, that I genuinely do not care about your welfare. 

Unraveled truth.

You were always seeing through me, I always thought this as a curse until later when it became a blessing in disguise.

You didn’t sense that I had stopped loving you, maybe because I hid it well or I was darn too good at playing the dutiful wife.

I don’t even remember when I stopped, maybe it was when I realized you never truly loved me or when I met David.

Loving you had always been difficult. It was hard being your girl. But that’s an irony considering everyone considered me lucky to have a man like you, but the thing is I never truly had you, you were never mine to have, but I threw caution to the wind and let you own me.

I wish I could say I was sorry about the affair, but the truth is I am not.

The thing is I sincerely wish I had had the affair earlier maybe I would have been happier longer.

And angel isn’t yours, she is David’s 

I am not sorry about that either.

I don’t know how I ended up calling you husband but I’ll be damned if I let any offspring of mine call you father.

Final GOODBYE

I met someone today and he made me laugh. Like really laugh… 
As I laughed so hard and felt tears running down my cheeks, out of nowhere I remembered you. 

I tried to remember the times you had made me laugh, they were a lot, and then my tears of intense laughter became heavy angry painful sobs. How I went from immense joy to immense sorrow baffled me.

I was sobbing because I felt guilty. How could I be with another man and be happy, you used to make me happy but it seemed like you forgot how or maybe I forgot how to laugh, I sincerely do not recall which came first. 

Everyday I prayed for strength to walk away from you but I never found it, And finally I found strength in the sound of my own laughter, that’s an irony considering the fact that I hardly ever laughed these days, everyhing seemed so banal.

So when I heard my laughter. It sounded like music to my ears.. And I knew I nothing could come between me and this beautiful sound that came from me, especially you. I knew the time had come and there was no turning back.

The pain and heartache you caused me. I cried ocean tears over you, certainly not one of my proudest moments. But I try to think of those times as necessary but irrelevant life experiences that helped build my character, yet failing immensely to add to my identity capital, considering the amount of time and mental capacity I put into you, into us.

I forgive you for lying to me everyday when you opened your mouth to say you loved me. I forgive you for calling me cheap, I do not blame you, because I acted like a lady and didn’t think like a man, when I failed to follow the ninety day rule and gave you full access to the jewel between my thighs.

I forgive you for coming back without any sincere apology and I forgive me for letting you in without a fight. I forgive you for lying to me about being celibate, you came up with the idea of no sex till marriage, and I bought it hook, line and sinker.

Color me surprised only to find out you were sleeping with friends and foes alike. I forgive you for asking me for space when I was the one who needed space from your suffocating lies. Above all, I forgive me for loving you too much. A little would have been just fine.

The affair

Richard! Richard! Richard!                  Mbokele had this habit of calling my name three times when she wanted to reiterate her point.

I knew what was coming next, but what I did not expect was the calmness she possessed when she asked me the questions, that I had no answers to.

why did you make mockery of our marriage, a parody of our vows and why did you put an abrupt end to our forever.

As she asked these questions, She had tears in her eyes because she knew it was over.I wasn’t going to leave Rin, she was my fire. She made me feel a hunger that kept burning and seemed only her could satisfy and an unquenchable thirst for something that was beyond me.

She became my everything in a few months. The sex was not from this world, she said she could be anything I wanted her to be, she was wild and like a lose cannon, I never knew what to expect, and I think this was what fueled the fire and the chemistry between us, we were like night and day yet two peas in a pod. She was my wild rose in the desert. She brought into reality every sexual fantasy that I have had as a young man, and that is not an exaggeration.

I remember the first time we made love. I didn’t see it coming but now that I reflect on it, maybe I should take some responsibility for the affair because I knew it was going to happen and I did not do much to prevent it.

I heard a knock on my hotel room door, and I thought it was house keeping, but as soon as I opened the door and I saw her standing, I knew she was going to be the death of me. 

I just kept staring at her, like I had seen a ghost and I could see doubt cloud her face and for like two minutes I just kept staring and as I was about to speak she turned to leave at the same time, but she lost her footing and fell unceremoniously to the ground. At this point I knew she was embarrassed and I had ruined her plans of seduction. I helped her up and I told her I was going to actually ask her to come in, she scrunched up her face like she did not believe what I had said, but I was going to ask her in, and I had decided as soon as I saw her, she wasn’t going to leave and she won’t get what she came for easily, but we were playing a game of chess and let’s see whose queen was going down first.

Mbokele said it was the sex that had blinded me, but we both knew it was more than the sex, the sex was just a bonus. 
I wanted to feel guilt, for having an affair, I wanted to feel ashamed as a devout Christian for committing adultery, but the truth is I couldn’t feel all those things cause all I felt was freedom. I finally felt invincible and I could be anything and do anything, that’s the effect Rin had on me. 

Closure

Jordy and I were both poets, but he was magnificent. He was phenomenal and had published so many works. He had finally decided to write a piece about me because I told him that was what I wanted for our fifth anniversary, a book of poems about love, about me, and about us.The first time I brought it up, he said he didn’t do love poems, that he did literature, and my argument was that there was no literature without love.

We hardly ever agreed on anything. Sometimes I wonder how we managed to make it work. The only thing we had in common was our love for poetry, writing and literature, and that was enough for both of us.

We were not the usual couple, we were quirky, and that’s what made us special, I loved his strange and he loved my weird.
Life I thought was good, until one day my world came crashing down. I was in the living room, when I received a call from Jordy’s mum. The call lasted for two minutes and 48seconds, I checked the call log to always remember the amount of time it took for my life to change forever.

I held on to the period of time like a life line, knowing the conversation was short made me feel worse and better at the same time. It was a like double-edged sword to me, consoling me that there was nothing I could have done and yet mocking me that my life literally ended in a twinkle of an eye. 

I mourned my husband for a long time, people said I mourned him for too long, and then it made me ask if there was something as mourning for too long, and even if there was, I really did not care. I was convinced that the inventor was some heartless shrink in the middle of nowhere.

All my friends told me not to think too much, that I should get busy, and Jordy wouldn’t want me to be sad, But that was impossible, he was everywhere in the house. I saw him in everything I did. 
He had been gone for 6 months, six whole months and everyday felt like he left yesterday. I had moved out of the house we shared a few days after his death. I moved out because I thought I would heal faster, if I did not have constant reminders of him, of us and the life we had.

I tried to move on too fast and forget too easily. This clearly, was poor judgement on my part and an error in my thought process. I would later come to realize that I could not run from his memories, from what we had built. I spent my time trying to forget when all I needed was to remember him, my sweet sweet Jordy.

It took me six months and 2 days to realize I had to go back, to go back to our home and search for the love of my life and find him even though I had lost him.
I was going through his stuff, and I saw some of his books, and this brought tears to my eyes because I was flooded with memories I had repressed, memories I had buried and run away from. I felt ashamed for being a coward.
One of the memories that hit me like a ton of bricks was his advice and what he always said to me whenever I complained about my job.
“honey writing is your passion, not teaching”. 

I taught English language to high school students and he’ll say in his role play Big brother voice, “you too can be a full time poet” and I tell him there isn’t such a thing as two full time poets being married to one another, that someone has to live in the real world to keep the other in check, when I said this he would just smile and say what he always said about being a poet.

A poet is someone who is not afraid to share with the world from their fount of knowledge. A poet writes even when he cannot, he thinks even when critics says his thoughts are not enough, and above all he writes first for himself, second for his fans and thirdly for the critics.
My reply to this never changed, which was, I am only but a she and not a he. what of the female poets out there, don’t you have any wisdom for us.
His reply was always the same too, ”I love your weird” and I’d tell him I loved his strange too, and then we would share a kiss. This never got old or boring, it was our private joke.

I realize then that I am crying profusely and then I am filled with anger at the world, why did it have to take my best friend away from me. 
Jordy died of a heart attack at 35. When the autopsy report came, I felt it was a conspiracy because I knew Jordy very well.
We were trying to have a baby so he had quit smoking for a year and we were the healthiest couple on the planet. So how did it happen, how come we never saw it coming. We had no warning signs. He was a healthy man or so I thought. 

His mother blamed me for his death, that I pushed him to much for us to have a baby and it troubled him that he couldn’t get me pregnant.

She said Jordy blamed himself for our inability to conceive because he had a varicocelectomy in the past and he was the reason we did not have children.

All these was new information to me, and what hurt was I couldn’t ask him why? Why he hid all of it from me. I thought I knew him but part of my healing process was to live with that for the rest of my life.

Sudden Death of a loved one sucked, but when it invited it’s cousins distrust and paranoia unannounced it destroyed you.

I had no closure, Nothing in the world had prepared me for this. I had a lost of unasked and unanswered questions for Jordy and he was gone. Gone!!! 

I was lost, trying desperately to get found.

I am lying on the floor looking at the ceiling, I wonder how long I had been lost in my thoughts, when I see the red box. I had  never seen it. It was on top of the book shelf, I am curious to know what it might be, so I reach for it and then I open it.
Today was going to be our fifth anniversary and I did not forget but I blocked it from my memory , I didn’t want to think about him, about us and all the things that would never be.

It made me depressed and made everybody right about me needing therapy. Therapy was something I wanted to do on my own terms. I had a right to be sad, I lost my husband, I lost my husband!!! 

Inside the box I found a book, I opened it and it read to my darling on our fifth wedding anniversary. On the next page I saw what Jordy wrote.

Dear, Sarah I have accepted a position to teach literature in English at a university. So now you can be a full time poet and I’ll be the reality check for both of us. I want you to live your dream and I’ll be honored if I help you get there, so here is a book of blank pages, fill in it my love with your blank verses. The letter ended with his definition of who a poet was. 

By this time my eyes are filled with tears and I stopped reading because I knew it by heart and then I recite it.

I don’t know how long I cried for, I know I cried myself to sleep at some point, because when I woke up my eyes were swollen and I felt this calmness around me. 

Then in one of the blank pages I write dear Jordy, I forgive me,I forgive you and I forgive us. I am definitely keeping the house, I’ll go for therapy and I’ll be a full time poet. 

Happy anniversary.